From Love and Not from Fear

This week’s Torah portion is Mishpatim, which means, ordinances, or laws. It directly follows the Ten Commandments, and consists of over 50 rules that lay out the workings of a just society. There are laws concerning murder, injury, theft, care of and destruction of property, negligence, and social justice. There are laws about the punishment fitting the crime, integrity of words and actions, and also about helping and not oppressing a strangers, widows, and orphans, those weakest in society. Finally, there are laws about the 3 agricultural pilgrimage holidays and a vision of God, seen by the Moses and over 70 elders.

Tonight I’d like to examine three incomprehensible laws. They are: “One who strikes his father or his mother shall surely be put to death. One who kidnaps a man and sells him and he was found in his possession, shall surely be put to death. One who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death” (Ex. 21:15-17). Of course we don’t agree with these laws, and the ancient rabbis didn’t either. They limited them severely to adult children who have the intention of causing death to their parents. But what the laws say and what they mean, I think, are two very different things. In the 10 Commandments, we are told, “Do not take the name of God, your God, in vain,” and also, “Honor your father and your mother.” Both of these commandments concern respect: respect for God and respect for parents. The Torah is informing us that respect is an important value in Judaism: that it’s good for us, good for society, and that developing respect will help us and make us happier.

In Mishpatim, the failure of an adult child to manifest any respect for parents is deemed so dangerous to society that the courts need to be involved. It is the task of the community, the Torah tells us, to make sure that people who are a danger to their parents are dealt with not by the parents alone, but by the entire community. It is interesting that the commandment concerning kidnapping is between the two directives about parents. Rabbi S. R. Hirsch says this is because the kidnapper treated the person he kidnapped and sold as a thing, not as a person (P. 290, Hirsch Chumash). Respect is a value which has changed greatly in our society. People used to respect the king, the Pope, even rabbis. Our grandparents had respect for their teachers, for the doctor, for authority figures in general. This was a patriarchal hierarchy in which there was more of a certain type of respect throughout the society.

We know that things have greatly changed. There is much less respect for individuals, but perhaps more respect for groups. Our great grandparents may have respected the teacher, but what about a person of color? What about women, or those with disabilities, or those whose sexual preferences differed with their own? Respect has shifted, I think, not diminished. Perhaps now, in our psychologically attuned time, there is more self-respect and also more willingness to treat others as people and not objects. Perhaps, as Rabbi Elimelech taught, that is one meaning of the commandment, “Do not show favoritism,” (Deut. 16:19) which distances us from God’s Panim, face. There is a growing recognition that respect must be accorded to everyone equally, not just to parents, teachers, and authority figures: that respect should be not a component of fear, but of love. The French novelist Albert Camus wrote, “Nothing is more despicable than respect based on fear.”

Perhaps the Torah stresses respect to parents because it is through our parents that we learn how to respect, and also how to love. If we formed healthy, nourishing attachments to our parents, then we can not only love, accept, and respect others, but we have also developed the capacity to love and respect the Source of life. Respect for God, and as the V’ahavta prayer urges, love for God, helps us to rise spiritually. One can be a moral person out of a conviction that doing the right thing is valuable in itself. It may however, be easier, to tackle the self and make the changes necessary for spiritual advancement, if we have developed the respect for the rightness and goodness of God’s teachings, if we can love our Divine parent.

Respect flows from the purifying force of love in our lives. When we do the inner work to purify ourselves, we can accept, love, and respect others. The Torah and the Midrash ask us to rise in the presence of the aged and also of a sage (Levit. 19: 32; Ex Rabba 31:16). This is respect based on love, and perhaps we are moving from respect based on fear to respect based on love. There is great strength in having respect for each other. Rabbi Elimelech quotes a story told by the Baal Shem Tov that you may have heard: “All the birds fly to warmer countries in the winter. A beautiful multicolored bird appeared atop a very high tree in a certain country. The king commanded his servants to bring him the bird. They climbed on top of each other’s shoulders, forming a tall ladder. After a while the ones below decided they were no longer necessary and left. This caused the man at the top to tumble and fall to the ground. He was injured and failed to capture the bird.” The Baal Shem Tov continued: “We must always be attached and connected with each other with love.” May we have the wisdom to accord our respect not only to those who exhibit the highest human values, but also to respect our Divinity within, that we may recognize and respect that divinity of each person and be guided toward greater respect for God and each other.